I’ve been looking at dresses by Simply Be which for me is the first time in a very long time.
I confess, I have lost all interest in clothes over the last year or so. And that’s because I gained weight. Quite a lot. Well, I don’t know that exactly because I don’t weigh myself, but to me, it feels like a massive amount and in myself I feel like my body has morphed into something I don’t even know any more.
Worst of all my favourite clothes no longer fit. Combine that with a serious cash-flow crisis and my wardrobe has fallen to rack and ruin. I have maybe two or three skirts that I wear for work and I combine them with t-shirts. Just simple coloured t-shirts. I’ve given up any sense of style I had and gone with the “fade into the background” strategy, which has, well, made me fade into the background!
All the work I’ve done in the past, with this blog, and generally making changes in my life has basically been undone. I’ve gone from feeling like I love my clothes back to I hate my wardrobe, which ironically is stuffed full of clothes, most of which I can’t or won’t wear because 1) I feel fat and 2) I feel uncomfortable. And all because I gained some weight.
It’s so frustrating to have put so much time and effort into something only to realise that the changes I’ve made just didn’t stick. I feel like a failure; a fat failure. A frumpy, fat failure!
Now that sounds like the impetus to start a new diet if ever I heard one, but in this case I’m not going there. I’ve done a lot of reading about body issues, societal pressures and the truth about size and diet. I’m quite aware that the feelings of despair I’ve felt when gaining weight, despair so great it’s led me to throw away my entire, very cute wardrobe, are based in the universal and untrue belief that being fat is the end of the world, and now that I’m fat, I should buy a great big sheet, cover up and hide forever more.
Its not true. Its not a death sentence, or a reason to hide away (despite how much it makes me want to), or even a reason to give up. Its not a reason to suddenly start a dramatic diet and exercise program to loose all the weight either. Firstly I don’t have time, which is largely why I’ve ended up gaining weight in the first place, second, that’s coming from a place of “there’s something wrong with me” which is not a great place from which to be making change, and thirdly, and most importantly, diets are just not viable over the long term.
So … instead I’m taking a more positive approach. Rather than getting sucked into the fantasy of being thin, whereby I put my life on hold whilst I do everything in my power to loose that awful, awful weight, I’m going to address the issue that I actually have.
I’ve been neglecting myself. I’ve been eating lots of junk food because it’s quick and simple and I’ve been so frantically busy that its the only viable option on some days. And ditto for exercise; I just haven’t made time in my schedule to exercise. And the same for clothes. When I did gain weight it coincided with a moment in my life when money wasn’t flowing so I couldn’t do anything about it.
That’s all changed, the money is flowing better than ever, and though my schedule hasn’t let up, I’m aware now that taking care of me is very important. I’m taking a Health At Every Size approach to taking control of what I’m eating and how I’m using my body. I’m making time in my schedule to take care of me.
I’m also getting some new clothes. Cute ones. Ones that fit my larger size as I am right now. Something that makes me feel great as I am right now. So I’m looking at dresses by Simply Be and there are some beautiful ones.
Now I’ve just got to get over the compulsion to hide…